officialunitedstates:

you:  tries to roast me with a lame yo mama joke

me:  looks you up on ancestry.com, finds out that your great grandmother was banished from her lithuianian village because no one liked her, writes a six page allegorical story that roasts your great grandmother, then reads it to your significant other to get them to despise you

4:38 pm  •  31 August 2014  •  16,784 notes

keyholeslumber:

modestinferno:

circumlocute:

Books that people read romantically but shouldn’t because they’re missing the point:

  1. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
  2. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
  3. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

That’s your opinion.

there’s nothing romantic about a pedophile rapist, the senseless murder-suicide of teenagers because families can’t get their shit together or the hypocrisy of the roaring 20s

4:16 pm  •  31 August 2014  •  354,370 notes

iswearimnotnaked:

when i was 9 i wrote a love letter to cole sprouse and closed my eyes and threw it out the car window thinking it’d magically find him and wow i did not understand the united states postal system 

3:54 pm  •  31 August 2014  •  234,512 notes

graystripe:

once in the 4th grade this guy got a 2% on his math quiz so everyone called him milk for the rest of the year 

3:33 pm  •  31 August 2014  •  465,310 notes

meladoodle:

*prosecuting lawyer voice* i have only one question for the defendant… ‘guiltypersonsayswhat?’
“what?” 
haha owned you’re going to jail

(Source: meladoodle)

3:11 pm  •  31 August 2014  •  407,890 notes